Brent

"Process & Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit & wisdom to do their job properly."

My favourite David Brent quote has been stuck in my head all day. I'm sat here trying to pick a consistent path through a half dozen different corporate processes & standards on pressure relief valves (which work a bit like you burping when you've drank too much fizzy lemonade), and have just found a manual that no-one has heard of, yet seems to be the one guide to rule them all. Gah! It's the most totalitarian piece of ultra-conservative breathe-in-the-wrong-place-and-I'll-shoot-your-sister writing I have ever come across. More moronic than oxymoronic, it's totally unworkable.

I'm supposed to be making sure that stuff doesn't disintegrate into a pile of orange dust like a Ford Cortina left in a seaside car park for 20 years - thus spraying highly flammable stuff all over a nice bunch of fellas offshore - and instead I'm battling paperwork which basically amounts to asking God if it's OK with him that I don't take my car for a check up in between MOTs. Worse than that, 'God' (in this case) is a cantankerous old swine, whom I am told is an acquired taste. Except that nobody has acquired it yet.

Apologies for the more technical nature of this post, I just needed to scream & decided to do it here rather than end up with half the building walking on eggshells past the door, meekly asking if I am OK while someone else calls for the straightjacket. Instead, my inbox flutters with another email that reminds me of one more Brent line:

"I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some bastard with a torch, bringing me more work."