Grandad's prostate in Paris

I am spectacularly useless at my job.

Really, honestly, I am about as competent as my Grandfather's prostate, and the speed at which I get things done is best described as 'tectonic'. But it's not my fault; the all-knowing upper echelons obviously decided that I needed a challenge and parachuted me into an unfamiliar job in an unfamiliar area of the business. A bit like asking a butcher to be an undertaker - after all, it's all dead meat.

I suppose I should take it as a vote of confidence, but at the moment I can't help but feel stitched up, especially with the seemingly poisoned chalices being passed my way. Projects that have clearly been sat on the 'too hard' pile or in the 'phenomenally boring' folder, occasionally both. So why the hell am doing this? Well, I do get bored easily - I'm surprised I've managed to keep this blog going as long as I have, and you've no idea how many old musical instruments my parents have in their loft - but that's not the reason. Truth is, I don't know how to do anything else. I know that seems a bit counterintuitive, but bear with me...

I don't know what I am; I can't say "I'm a plumber" or "I'm a process engineer" (although the difference between those two is moot). I've been dropped into four different jobs in the last five years - an ops role, an IT project, a commercial position & now this corrosion stuff - and in all the others I would say I ended up being almost competent. Or at least competent enough to blag it. All that makes it almost impossible to apply for other jobs, even in the current oil industry climate where people seem to fart in the general direction of another company's office & double their salaries. Jack of all trades, master of jack shit. I didn't feel so bad in the other roles, because the only thing at stake was someone else's money (and I made more than I ever lost anyway), but I guess this one is a wee bit different because if I arse it up, someone will probably get hurt.

I reckon it's all an elaborate system of control - I'm useful to them, but borderline unemployable elsewhere. Cunning.

A (more senior) colleague of mine was on some fancy company leadership training course in Paris last week. Part of it was some kind of psychological profiling; they've had over 1500 people through that course & say that the profiles of the participants are all damn near identical. Successful recruitment policy, or effective brainwashing strategy?

If I find myself on that course in the future & find that I 'fit', I think I'll quit on the spot. At least I would be in Paris with a hotel room paid for a few nights.