Giant condoms & 40 knots

I'm back! There was a moment when I thought I might be stranded for a few more days, but thankfully a seat came up on a helicopter that allowed me to squeeze myself once more into the giant yellow condom that is a survival suit, and head home.

So, what's it like I hear you all ask! Well, it's not all tea with UHT milk, I can tell you. The food is great, although it's a long way to go for a restaurant with no wine list. But the company is outstanding...

The language spoken - irrespective of regional accent, and I'm sure I heard them all out there - would make Quentin Tarantino & Gordon Ramsey quiver in embarrassment. I enjoy a good expletive as much as anyone (one day I might give you my speech on the versatility of the F word), but this took it to a whole new level. I have head that the hardest part of learning some Asian languages - and I include Antipodean shades of English in this - is that the same sound spoken with different intonations can have completely unrelated meanings (ask a Kiwi to say '6' or '10' and you will hear what I mean); so it is with swear words offshore. Sentences, paragraphs, entire conversations - punctuated with Sid Jamesesque laughter - held solely in inflexions of the same few four letter words. If I wasn't trying so damn hard to follow, I might have been impressed.

That might offend those of you of sensitive disposition, and lead others to pass judgment, but I urge you to not be so hasty. You owe a lot to these brave men (predominantly) who have the grit to work offshore. These rigs are alive - oil fills their veins & they most definitely pass wind - and tending to such a volatile patient takes guts. Buncefield gives a clue as to what would happen if a spark found it's way to the wrong place at the wrong time, only at sea there's no running.

I defy any of you to stand where I did yesterday, on the top deck of an adjoining platform, looking down on one of the largest rigs in the north sea, in a 40 knot wind with waves crashing against the legs, supply vessels that look so big in the harbour being tossed around like a canoe in white water, and not be impressed.

So, has this trip changed my tune & resolved my dilemma about working in the oil industry? No, but it has polarized my thoughts - thoughts which I will save for another day.